Come back. Even as a shadow, even as a dream.
She has died.
I did not get a chance to say goodbye in person, but I did send a song which she loved: the last music she heard before she passed away.
It’s odd. After growing up and experiencing all this YUCK in my relationship with my Mom, since her death, I have learned of more of the grades and shades and colours of her life.
I know that she was controlling and hard while I knew her.
But I learned that after I cut contact, and during her experience of being diagnosed with a terminal illness, Mom became softer, kinder and more outgoing. She danced! She accepted change! She showed her true self!
I feel sad that I didn’t get to see her lighter edge, but I reflect, perhaps this came because of the separation between us and/ or because of her diagnosis. Maybe hearing, “you’re going to die and you cannot change this” changed her view of life?
I attended the ceremony last weekend, and heard stories of her life, from family… I saw other sides of her, and through my own anger and pain, I found love. I actually felt love. I know she was in many ways, a “bad mom” and yeh, narcissism sucks. She was so hurtful and unkind, and i hated her for all those reasons…. but there were, although small moments, times of good.
And you know, she was still my mom… and I miss her.
I miss the times when she was light and happy.
I miss the times when she was silly and fun.
I miss the times we hugged and I felt it was a hug of LOVE.
I miss the times we laughed in authentic moments.
I miss the times we went and saw art together, drank coffee together, walked in nature.
I am beginning to remember some of the nicer things we did together, the moments we shared that were good…. and Z. says these are the things you gotta hold on to, and you gotta just let go all that shit. Naa, that doesn’t mean you forgive all the shit, but that it won’t define you after their death. I am trying.
I am having bouts of feeling okay and then times I just start crying. I miss my Mom.