DD – Narcissism and Guilt

“NO MORE” was one of the best things I said, and then did, to rid my world of a horrible yucky toxic and manipulative narcissist. It was my Mom.

horror crime death psychopath

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Growing up with a twisted and controlling parent is hard.  Last year, I decided, NO MORE. I walked away.  She was controlling my finances and I left.  Sure, I had a month or two or basically starving, getting into debt a bit… but I survived.  She always said I never would be able to make it; that I would not be able to do things on my own, that I could never make enough money to live, that I couldn’t do it without her.  But look at me! I can!

Now she is sick.  Dying, apparently.

And you know- I don’t really care.

 

Initially, I felt ashamed at my lack of guilt feelings.  I did not feel guilty.  Should I have felt guilt? The thing is, being a child of a narcissist makes you always question your own sanity before anything else.  “Am I right?” … “I must be wrong”… “Am I crazy?”… but then you realize – that feeling of “no guilt” is not guilt or shame at all.

It’s a sense of CONFIDENCE and belief in “you”.

I deserve kindness and goodness.

This feeling is a recognition of that truth.

 

When she first told me she has cancer, my first thought was, “yaye” and that may seem so unkind, but I DON’T CARE what you think.  After having 37.5 years of being bullied by my mother, told that I am not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not able enough…. that I am never going to be a success, that I will suffer without her, being joked about that I have autism, being attacked for being me, being told that being bisexual is “just a phase” and “a fairytale” that it’s “not real”… After being told always that my sister is the golden child, the perfect child, the brilliant one, the smart one… After having 37.5 years of my life made (with intent) to feel like a nothing, I just don’t care if she dies.

 

Cancer is horrible.  My nan died of cancer.  My opa died of cancer.  My coach’s partner died of cancer.  My friends friend’s are dying of cancer… I get it. It’s nasty.  It’s ruthless. It kills.

But the thing is, if someone you love and trust and respect gets cancer, you WANT to be with them.  You WANT to care for them.

If it’s an abuser… why care?

 

I have read blogs that you need to “be the grown-up and help”, but I disagree.  Since I have cut my Mom out of my life, my life is better.  I have a better job, I feel stronger and better in myself, I am more confident, my relationship is healthier, my friendships are more meaningful, and I feel HAPPY.  I have struggled with a horrid depression for years and years and years…. and yep, it’s still quiet, but it’s not killing me anymore.  Why? Because the main hold on me; the thing that was strangling me was my Mom.

 

I let her go, and I became free.

Now she’s dying, and I will  NOT go to her.  I will NOT return. She can die alone, as she deserves. She pushed us all away with her manipulation, her abuse, her neglect and her selfishness.

I choose happiness.

I choose to say No.

I choose to be FREE.

DD – Autistic and Happy? (yep!)

photography of woman surrounded by sunflowers

Photo by Andre Furtado

Dear Diary,

 

I’m just feeling good.

For the first time in such a long time…. things are actually positive in my life.

 

I feel deeply grateful for:

  • My partner, Z – Who has graced my world with his wild artistic energy and honest streak, giving me a safe place to fall and a safe place to share my feelings.
  • Our beautiful cat, Miss Meowjasty – Who brings leaves and dust into the home on a regular basis (Ugh), but also offers many fluffy cuddles and headbumps of joy.
  • Our new house – Which took a while to find! It is colourful, spacious, feng-shui oriented and has a huge backyard filled with fruit trees and herbs. Yaye!
  • My job – Which gives me ample $$s and also provides me with a platform to do incredible good for the world, in the space of 1) teaching neurodiverse adults life skills, 2) finding meaningful work for neurodiverse adults (jobs THEY love), 3) working in a brilliant team of fellow autistics who shine a light on all they touch.
  • Our friends – Who seem to be the most unlikely bunch of misfits and weirdoes; a loveable group who fill my life with laughs and genuine connections.

 

So. I reflect on this and… I feel quite blessed.

 

It has taken such a long time to come to this point, but I feel good.  And yes, of course there are still difficulties to overcome, challenges that I face– yet these feel like bumps on the road; not traps or barriers.  It is a nice feeling to have these aspects that bring me joy and calm….

DD – Moving house and cat stress

close up photography of cat

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Dear Diary,

More house stresses as it seems we’re due to move house AGAIN. Well, in a month or so. I have my eye on some lovely properties out bush, but I feel all out of sorts at the moment, doomsdaying, imagining the worst: what if the place has no internet! no flyscreens! what if I find big spiders in the bedroom! what if we lose the cat in the undergrowth! I know- probably silly things. Last night I was kept awake 6 hours worrying about bills (which I can actually pay), but bills, nonetheless. Then there’s the plants, and moving them… and moving our furniture… again. Ugh. I’ve moved so much over my life (military family), but wow, moving does not get any easier. It still sucks.

Cat has settled in here and has a new favourite spot: the most leafiest, dustiest, crunchiest place under the most polleny tree in the garden.  She likes to go out there on a regular basis, especially after we’ve hoovered, or brushed her… and then she proudly shimmies back into the house and rubs her leafy gloriousness on everything. Last night there were seed pods INSIDE the bed spread – inside! I don’t know how she does it. Talent, me thinks. Talent.

Ohh and moving makes me sad too. I mean, I’m almost 40… and I want a nice home that is mine. I want a beautiful home that I can aim to raise kids in, have dinner parties in, build something…. but alas I am of the generation  X, with our baby boomer parents buying everything up, and our whims of wanting to “be free” and unshackled from the corporate world… yeh, it has left us all with no chance at ever owning a home; forever doomed to rent. My legacy will be a rented property and a memory of a parent with too many degrees. I dunno.  I hate the idea of working full-time, and I dread the concept of a corporate suit (still to this day), but I wish I somehow was able to buy my own home, to be able to gift my (future) kids something special. Hmmm.

Well, coffee awaits. Better go.

Autumn

DD – Asthma yuckies

dandelion nature sunlight

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Dear Diary,

Had to spell check that I was writing to you, and not your cousin, Dairy.  Anywho. I’ve not been online much lately as Z. and I have been moving house…. and then add into the mix dust! pollen! dirt! fluff! something-in-the air, and yes, I had an severe asthma attack last night so today was hard. I think asthma is truly one of the most scary experiences I’ve ever had– not being able to breathe is frightening. I slept badly, mostly in fear of choking mid-sleep (something which can happen – eek), and then today, more moving of dusty things and now I’m on the couch feeling tight in the chest and throat, and oh yeh, I got bitten by mozzies; a good 6 bites and being the lucky me that I am, I swell up like a balloon and then feel paralysis for 5-6 hours after.  I have taken anti-histamines but I’m positively feeling UGH. Looking forward to sleeping, hoping it’s sleeping, not deathing. *sigh*  Lotsa work to be done. I love the job I have now, but it’s still bisy work as we push to complete a chapter. Okay, another sip of tea and I’m heading bedward. Sleepy time calls.

Night,

Autumn