DD – Conflicted Feelings of Death

Dear Diary,

I don’t know….

woman in black long sleeved cardigan

Photo by rawpixel.com

So… Mom is officially dying.  The extended family has been in touch, and my Mom has a few weeks to MAYBE 2 months to live.

Damn you, Mom!! Damn you for dying. The “easy way out”, instead of living and learning to be a better person, she’s dying. When I first heard, I was filled with rage and frustration and anger.  How dare she?! How dare she fucking die and never say sorry…. and dunno, after all my emotional-ness, my pain pouring out of me, my crying in frustration, last night and this morning, i’m just…. NOTHING.

 

I feel…. *sigh* conflicted

I am still angry that she was never the mother we kids deserved, that she hurt me, teased me, controlled me, manipulated me, and mocked me.

I am still hurting from those wounds she inflicted.

I am still in disbelief that she either pretends (or actually believes?) she did none of these things; that she was/ is a perfect mom.

I am still deeply sad that I did not have a real mom, and that I will never get the chance to have that…. even to try for it…. because she’s dying, and then there will be nothing of her left on this world to make a mother-daughter relationship from.

I am still feeling unloved that she never made an attempt to reach out to me, except now, to tell my sister and I that she is on her death bed…

I am still frustrated that she could not… did not… HAS not apologized for anything.

I am still sorrowful that she could not tell us her real feelings, speak her real self— and instead we see forever this stubborn hard woman, right until the very end… where is her softness? where is her regret?

I am still enraged that I was “under the spell” for so long, and believed her put-downs of me, and that today I suffer still from those wounds, those hateful words in my mind, the ideas that I am not good enough— this struggle I fight to find my own voice.

.

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low angle photography of trees

Photo by Todd Trapani 

_________________

And then there’s THE OTHER FEELINGS–

  • Sadness, that she is suffering and in pain. No-one should suffer, even those who have hurt me… No human ought suffer.
  • Hope, that she finds peace and understanding.
  • Wonder, when she dies, do you think she will realize the pain and suffering her narcissism did to us (her children)?
  • Relief, that finally I can be free.
  • More sadness— to that when I am free, I will be completely parentless and I will raise my children without anyone from my family around them, but me.
  • Sorrow, that we did have a few happy moments, and these will just be flickers of memory.
  • Accomplishment, that I have done so much without her, all the things she said I would never be able to do.
  • Worry, that maybe she will somehow recover from her terminal illness after all and then I have made myself vulnerable again, only to be hurt even more?
  • Concern, on how my conflicted feelings may affect those around me.
  • Emptiness, a sense of knowing I am alone now.

 

I do not understand entirely how I can feel so much at the same time.

 

My therapist said I should write a FAREWELL.  For closure. For peace.  And I am stumped at what to say.  I am not a hateful person, and yeh, i know, at times my blogs may suggest otherwise…. I just hurt…. and I feel so lost right now.  I cannot lie to her as a farewell, I want to speak the truth, but I am all but empty.

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