DD – Narcissism and Guilt

“NO MORE” was one of the best things I said, and then did, to rid my world of a horrible yucky toxic and manipulative narcissist. It was my Mom.

horror crime death psychopath

Photo by Tookapic on Pexels.com

Growing up with a twisted and controlling parent is hard.  Last year, I decided, NO MORE. I walked away.  She was controlling my finances and I left.  Sure, I had a month or two or basically starving, getting into debt a bit… but I survived.  She always said I never would be able to make it; that I would not be able to do things on my own, that I could never make enough money to live, that I couldn’t do it without her.  But look at me! I can!

Now she is sick.  Dying, apparently.

And you know- I don’t really care.

 

Initially, I felt ashamed at my lack of guilt feelings.  I did not feel guilty.  Should I have felt guilt? The thing is, being a child of a narcissist makes you always question your own sanity before anything else.  “Am I right?” … “I must be wrong”… “Am I crazy?”… but then you realize – that feeling of “no guilt” is not guilt or shame at all.

It’s a sense of CONFIDENCE and belief in “you”.

I deserve kindness and goodness.

This feeling is a recognition of that truth.

 

When she first told me she has cancer, my first thought was, “yaye” and that may seem so unkind, but I DON’T CARE what you think.  After having 37.5 years of being bullied by my mother, told that I am not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not able enough…. that I am never going to be a success, that I will suffer without her, being joked about that I have autism, being attacked for being me, being told that being bisexual is “just a phase” and “a fairytale” that it’s “not real”… After being told always that my sister is the golden child, the perfect child, the brilliant one, the smart one… After having 37.5 years of my life made (with intent) to feel like a nothing, I just don’t care if she dies.

 

Cancer is horrible.  My nan died of cancer.  My opa died of cancer.  My coach’s partner died of cancer.  My friends friend’s are dying of cancer… I get it. It’s nasty.  It’s ruthless. It kills.

But the thing is, if someone you love and trust and respect gets cancer, you WANT to be with them.  You WANT to care for them.

If it’s an abuser… why care?

 

I have read blogs that you need to “be the grown-up and help”, but I disagree.  Since I have cut my Mom out of my life, my life is better.  I have a better job, I feel stronger and better in myself, I am more confident, my relationship is healthier, my friendships are more meaningful, and I feel HAPPY.  I have struggled with a horrid depression for years and years and years…. and yep, it’s still quiet, but it’s not killing me anymore.  Why? Because the main hold on me; the thing that was strangling me was my Mom.

 

I let her go, and I became free.

Now she’s dying, and I will  NOT go to her.  I will NOT return. She can die alone, as she deserves. She pushed us all away with her manipulation, her abuse, her neglect and her selfishness.

I choose happiness.

I choose to say No.

I choose to be FREE.

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